It is a funny emotion. It can create this complete emptyness or void. It can create anger. It can create sadness...it can even create joy.
I got a call yesterday from my cousin. She said our other cousin had killed himself. It kind of knocked me down for a second. You know that punched in the gut feeling? I cried a bit and sat down sort of dazed and then that empty feeling starting forming. The one that you have to fill and will EAT anything to fill it.
So, I went home...oh, didn't I tell you I was at work when I got this call? Well, I went home and started to make dinner for my kids. I realized it was going to take longer than I thought so I loaded them in the car and went to McD's. We roll thru the drivethru and as I am ordering their food I am thinking of all the things I want to eat too...then I order a classic grilled chicken sandwich w/out mayo. That is all.
We go home, eat and they go to bed. I pull out a bag of cherries and eat them. Dh went and got me some frozen yogurt and I ate about half of it b/c I was just not feeling it...which for me to not eat ice cream is incredible. The point I am trying to make is that grief, for me, has always made me eat and somehow, last night I maintained a normal amount of food. Maybe I am finally getting it.
I am still sad, but the food isn't going to make me feel better. Often it will make me feel almost sick afterwards so I stopped myself.
I don't want this post to sound like I am selfish, and I am afraid it does. I loved my cousin and am so upset about this...I just don't think I am ready yet to deal completely with his loss. And I am not sure I can do it publicly.
Okay, I am going to stop rambling now. Sorry.